Road to Recovery

As time goes on, I feel like I'm back where I started, 2 and a half years ago. I feel like I'm a kid again, living in a room in a house, clumsily getting through each regulation. I'm reigniting old feelings in my friendships, but not quite used to how much there is out there that I could be doing. Sometimes it seems like all my past is distant now, but at the same time it's right in the front of my mind, and I think about Carleton a lot. Medication feels like a hassle, I'm unsure if this medication is even right for me. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo, quietly walking between the world of progress and the world of complete passiveness. I'm learning to look even closer at the little things and appreciate them more than I ever did before.

Amanda Palmer - The Point of it All

oh, what a noble, distinguished collection of fine little friends you have made
hitting the tables without you again: no we’ll wait, no we promise, we’ll wait
june makes these excellent sewing machines out of common industrial waste
she spends a few days at a time on the couch but she’s fine
she wears shades, she wears shades

but no one can stare at the wall as good as you, my babydoll
and you’re aces for coming along
you’re almost human, after all
and you’re learning that just ‘cause they call themselves friends
doesn’t mean they’ll call...

they made the comment in jest
but you’ve got the needle
i guess that’s the point of it all

maybe a week in the tropics would help to remind you how nice life can be
we propped you right up in a chair on a deck with a beautiful view of the sea
but a couple weeks later we came back and you and the chair were nowhere to be seen
you had magically moved to the closet
eyes fixed to the place where the dryer had been

oh, but no one can stare at the wall as good as you, my babydoll
and you’re aces for coming along
you’re almost human, after all
why on earth would i keep you propped up in here when you so love the fall...?

the pattern’s laid out on the bed
with dozens of colors of thread
but you’ve got the needle
i guess that’s the point in the end

but it’s better to waste your day watching the scenery change at a comatose rate
than to put yourself in it and turn into one of those cigarette ads that you hate
but while you were sleeping some men came around
said they had some dimensions to take
i’m not sure what they were talking about but they sure made a mess of your face

but still, no one can stare at the wall as good as you, my babydoll
and you’re aces for playing along
you’re almost human, even now

and just ‘cause they call themselves experts
it doesn’t mean sweet fuck all...
they’ve got the permanent press
homes with a stable address

and they’ve got excitement
and life by the fistful
but you’ve got the needle
i guess that’s the point of it all

After my trip to depression in the middle of the black market hardcore drug culture, I've found that this song most powerfully describes the pain to being close to people with these addictions and how consuming they are.

Cookie Monster

I have the pleasure of parenting a pitbull terrier, she is approximately a year and a half old and patterned with a brindle coat.

Pitbulls, unfortunately, are another subject deeply misunderstood by general society. Like any other family dog, there are owners who abuse and mistreat them, causing ill temperament and tragedies which often make the news. Being that they are very high energy dogs, they are perfect for an active animal lover who can take them on long exercise and provide them with the play and training challenges that give them a sense of fulfillment. Though raising and training a dog is not the easiest obstacle, it is definitely worthwhile, as Cookie is my first personal dog and she is the most loving and playful puppy you'll encounter. I often find when walking her that there is a mix of reactions, from interest and curiosity, to absolute fear. My grandmother has made comments regarding pitbulls as dogs that may be good, "but should not be around small children" and it's really disheartening that this breed has reached that reputation. I can't blame people for being in horrible situations or generally knowing of bad experiences because, living outside Detroit, pitbull fighting and pitbull abuse runs rampant in this area, and with city-wide breed bans, encountering a pitbull which is happily trained and in a loving home or walking on a leash through the neighborhood is less likely something to come to mind when on the topic of the breed.

I urge anyone who hasn't met a pitbull, or who disagrees with me, to go to http://www.pitbullforum.com/, not only are pitbulls great show-dogs, but also affectionate dogs who will cuddle up on the couch with a baby and cause no harm, and for those who love to keep their pitbull in great physical shape, but not through abusive means, there are many different sports that pitbulls play and tricks they can be taught which give them a great workout and they have fun doing it!

A Step Forward

Cotton is an albino American Satin rabbit, and she's beautiful. She's the first of my pets to move in with my parents and I. (From ex-boyfriend's apartment). Today my mother bought her a fresh paper bedding to replace the unhealthy wood shavings, a decent-sized water bottle, some hay cubes, and a new food dish. I am not only very thankful, but anticipating observing her reaction to her new environment knowing that it's much healthier for her.

To be honest, it's actually really hard to collect my thoughts today to keep positive on this post. I have taken a step forward in that I'm going to partake in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for the next year, and I look forward to making progress.

Today was a really rough day. Ryan stopped by my house only to end up demeaning me until I was in tears and then nonchalantly laughing at me while I cried. It was... interesting. My mom and friends are helping me realize that he's not worth it and just sucking me back into the feeling that I'm the cause of all his problems and that everything that happened was completely my fault, which wouldn't make sense if it were true. The most degrading part of an abusive relationship is it feels that the abuser is so versed in manipulation that I'm left looking like a complete looney who is creating imaginary problems. I have to learn to be strong and not let this happen to me again.

Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time. The longer a woman remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her actions and her beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable. It is true, that only through her actions can she make it stop - she must have the courage to leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.

Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues - not because of anything their partner did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into self-loathing, and further into a cycle of abusive behavior.

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However, it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no *successful* theraputic intervention, MEN from abusive families become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS".

(As a side-note, this website is reaching for a certain demographic, hence gender reference/bias)

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

It can leave the woman wondering if the pain is worth the good times, and even wondering if this is as good as it gets? What if there isn't anything better? When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You don't have to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts are. And of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that you are overreacting, or "too sensitive", so it adds to the confusion and hurt that you may feel.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that harms them that keeps the woman confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of "apology" jewellery, or a closet full of "apology" clothes?

One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice", helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.

Abusers play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition of the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell her about the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn't find them "funny". He may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was "all in fun" and that no harm was meant by the "joking".

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly - sometimes it can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that household things are contributing to his unhappiness and bad temper.

An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will "encourage" her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her, every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt, trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.

The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic. If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgemental, or needy. Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours.

And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will likely punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you, sulking, disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving the party or function without notifying you.

Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in "punishing" the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind, the partner or household member "deserves" it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar.

Emotional abusers may use punishment tactics like leaving (without a word to you), a party or function that you both went to. They will have socially plausible, pathos-laden excuses for their unannounced departure, like they couldn't find you, or they were tired and wanted to go home. However, the REAL reason they left without a word, was to punish you; to wind you up, to get you worried about them, and ultimately, to have you feel guilty for not paying enough attention to them. When you confront an abuser on the concept of COURTESY around these sorts of things, the abuser will either apologize weakly, (but the damage has been done), or insist that your distress over his behavior is overreacting.

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on time", or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you." All are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be your weaknesses.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends. He may find them "boring". You may find yourself caught in a double-bind where he "encourages" you to go out with *your* friends, refusing any invitation to participate, but then mopes that you never spend enough time with HIM. Over time, you may find yourself isolated from your friends by virtue of the demands on your time that he makes. You may also find him VERY upset if he finds out that you have been talking to a close friend or family member about him and/or your relationship with him - especially if that person is likely to tell you he's behaving like an ass.

-"Heartless Bitches" - A Feminist Blog

THIS, ALMOST WORD-BY-WORD, HAS BEEN MY REALITY FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS. It will not be difficult for my of my friends to actually pick out specific sentences out of here that they were directly involved in.

Beginnings

It begins with an experimental night, having been taking seroquil every night for over a week, I decided to test whether or not it has chemically replaced my ability to sleep soundly. So far, it is 5:58 am, and clearly not a success. I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which, unlike the media will have you believe, is not about cleaning the house or being organized, it deals with intrusive thoughts, some even knowingly irrational, and the pressure to act and cancel out said thoughts. Unfortunately, I have the convenient late-night problem of getting intrusive images which I find very disturbing and often portray me hurting myself. It has stunted my sleep and thus my psychiatrist felt that a sleep aid was the appropriate solution. Though it has been working well for me, I fear being dependent on a chemical that eventually my body will develop antibodies for until my dosage is hiked up farther and farther till eventually I hit the peak of middle-aged insomnia crisis.

Tonight started off with a couple searches for a topic that strongly impacts my life, my sexual orientation! I happen to be a hetero-romantic asexual. Asexuals are estimated at approximately 1% of the population, which not only makes self-understanding difficult, but teaching others about who I am and what that entails a burden. Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction for another human. Because we take up such a low minority of the population, we still face scrutiny, whether it's from the day-to-day person who wishes to 'disprove' what we know to be our, very real, reality, or a professional, such as a sex therapist, who tries to write off our sexual orientation as some sort of dysfunction or disorder. I am no different from anyone else besides the fact that my expression of love is not characterized (or appropriately represented) by having sex or making love with another person. Much like a person who says that they do not like chocolate, the common reaction is along the lines of, "What? Why? Haven't you tried it?" followed by hypothetical guesses at our psyche to try to pinpoint how we are wrong or that something is wrong with us. It is true that I do suffer from depression, which does depress the sex drive/libido, but it's not a matter of sex drive or libido which signifies whether a person is asexual, as many asexuals do have functional and healthy sex drives, it's just a matter of how they naturally feel comfortable expressing their affection/attractions. Aromantic asexuals do not experience romantic or sexual attraction to others, therefore they don't seek out long-term partners in the sense of romantic relationship, rather they may find that they are satisfied with friendships. There are some fantastic resources to help educate others on this subject, such as AVEN (the Asexual Education and Visibility Network) and fantastic YouTubers such as swankivy, who from personal experience illustrates the common struggles associated with societal misconceptions as well as educates on an asexual perspective, as well as many other blogs out there.

I experience many personal traits which seem to defy the standard "public view" so I choose the approach of educating, sharing my experiences, and hopefully reaching out to those who are interested in learning more or who are relieved to know there's more of us out there. Everyone, I feel, has their own personal traits and quirks which may completely throw them off of the mainstream view, but it's because we are all from different backgrounds and have our own individual perceptions of this world, and the beauty of the internet is that many of us can come together, share our ideas, and learn from one another.

I'm going to sign off here, and make another attempt to sleep.