Beginnings

It begins with an experimental night, having been taking seroquil every night for over a week, I decided to test whether or not it has chemically replaced my ability to sleep soundly. So far, it is 5:58 am, and clearly not a success. I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which, unlike the media will have you believe, is not about cleaning the house or being organized, it deals with intrusive thoughts, some even knowingly irrational, and the pressure to act and cancel out said thoughts. Unfortunately, I have the convenient late-night problem of getting intrusive images which I find very disturbing and often portray me hurting myself. It has stunted my sleep and thus my psychiatrist felt that a sleep aid was the appropriate solution. Though it has been working well for me, I fear being dependent on a chemical that eventually my body will develop antibodies for until my dosage is hiked up farther and farther till eventually I hit the peak of middle-aged insomnia crisis.

Tonight started off with a couple searches for a topic that strongly impacts my life, my sexual orientation! I happen to be a hetero-romantic asexual. Asexuals are estimated at approximately 1% of the population, which not only makes self-understanding difficult, but teaching others about who I am and what that entails a burden. Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction for another human. Because we take up such a low minority of the population, we still face scrutiny, whether it's from the day-to-day person who wishes to 'disprove' what we know to be our, very real, reality, or a professional, such as a sex therapist, who tries to write off our sexual orientation as some sort of dysfunction or disorder. I am no different from anyone else besides the fact that my expression of love is not characterized (or appropriately represented) by having sex or making love with another person. Much like a person who says that they do not like chocolate, the common reaction is along the lines of, "What? Why? Haven't you tried it?" followed by hypothetical guesses at our psyche to try to pinpoint how we are wrong or that something is wrong with us. It is true that I do suffer from depression, which does depress the sex drive/libido, but it's not a matter of sex drive or libido which signifies whether a person is asexual, as many asexuals do have functional and healthy sex drives, it's just a matter of how they naturally feel comfortable expressing their affection/attractions. Aromantic asexuals do not experience romantic or sexual attraction to others, therefore they don't seek out long-term partners in the sense of romantic relationship, rather they may find that they are satisfied with friendships. There are some fantastic resources to help educate others on this subject, such as AVEN (the Asexual Education and Visibility Network) and fantastic YouTubers such as swankivy, who from personal experience illustrates the common struggles associated with societal misconceptions as well as educates on an asexual perspective, as well as many other blogs out there.

I experience many personal traits which seem to defy the standard "public view" so I choose the approach of educating, sharing my experiences, and hopefully reaching out to those who are interested in learning more or who are relieved to know there's more of us out there. Everyone, I feel, has their own personal traits and quirks which may completely throw them off of the mainstream view, but it's because we are all from different backgrounds and have our own individual perceptions of this world, and the beauty of the internet is that many of us can come together, share our ideas, and learn from one another.

I'm going to sign off here, and make another attempt to sleep.